I'm trying not to wait for you. I'm trying to be strong. But I still drive past the places I know you like to go. I still hope for you in ways that hurt me. And I know we would have had to go through hell to make it work, but I would have befriended the devil if it got me a lifetime with you.

I had myself so convinced that all you needed was time, that I could be patient if it meant the possibility of you. But you had too much doubt in your head to make room for hope in your heart. And I know now that there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could have said to make you choose me, but I will still care for you long after your fingerprints have faded from my skin.

I told you my secrets, showed you the soft spots I guard with tooth and claw. We treat each other like strangers now, and I swear I die every time there is emptiness where once there was your name.

I torture myself trying to find glimpses of you. I wade through old memories and delight in the way I choke and drown. Your absence suffocates me, and I am left gasping for breath in an attempt to be connected to you.

Self-portrait